Today has not been a good day. It hasn’t been a good week, truthfully, which is why I haven’t blogged much. I am physically tired, emotionally tired, spiritually tired. I am not feeling the greatest with my ulcerative colitis (and am currently waiting on a callback from my GI doctor about other treatment options), and it’s been very tempting for me to throw myself a pity party. In fact, earlier today I started drafting a post in my head about how hard living with ulcerative colitis has been and how I’m an emotional train wreck blah, blah, blah, but I’m not going to write that post now. The truth is, it is hard, but it’s not the hardest thing. The way my condition is right now is bearable. I’d love for it to go away. I’d love to be healed, but I can endure how I feel right now. I’m just being a big wimp.
The hardest thing is for me to remain grateful. As I have written before, I am prone to negativity, and if I am not careful, I can easily drown in the cesspool of lies in my head. So the hardest thing for me is to remember that while I have Christ, I have all I need. TRULY, all I need. He is my portion and the strength of my heart forever (Psalm 73:26). He has given me everything I need for life and godliness (1 Peter 1:3). Though I may feel as though my outer self is wasting away (and let’s face it, at 170 pounds, I’m not wasting away), He is renewing me day by day (2 Corinthians 4:16).
So, while at times everything in me wants to cry and moan, I can rejoice instead. I can rejoice that the struggle I am facing is temporary. I can rejoice that one day there will be no more sickness, no more death, no more fear, no more sadness. I can rejoice that I have a Heavenly Father who is intimately acquainted with me and my sorrows and joys, for He made me, fearfully and wonderfully (Psalm 139). I can rejoice that Christ suffered more than I can ever imagine so that one day all who love Him will suffer no more. I can rejoice that I do not have to bear my burdens alone but that Jesus invites me to take up HIS burden, which is easy and light (Matthew 11:29). I can rejoice that I have a loving and supporting husband who lets me sob into his shoulder. I can rejoice that I have an understanding boss who lets me leave work in the middle of the day because I just can’t stay any longer. I can rejoice that I have friends who pray for me and make me laugh and distract me from the things that are weighing me down.
I don’t know what God’s plans for me and ulcerative colitis are. I don’t know if I will find a medication that will work. I don’t know if He will heal me. What I do know is that He loves me and is with me, and I need His presence so much more than I need to be healed. The good news is, He never sleeps and is always available, so I can say with the Psalmist, “The Lord is my shepherd, I shall not want.”